Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
The Friday File.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am