My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff