[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Close call…
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.