crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
😬
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second