Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
i really liked this one
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.