Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
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“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.