Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
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I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
groan^2
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*