It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van