If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Stop.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me