My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
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4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court