If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Mistakes were made
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left