ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Fluff me with a fork baby
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My Guy
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.