I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
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[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.