Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.