u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.