Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
#parenting
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.