[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.