after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST