My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium