Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol