If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
You Might Also Like
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Haha! 😂
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.