I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
no one ever comes back
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.