Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
who will stop them
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.