[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
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I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*