What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…