I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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Put this video in the Louvre
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I need to get some bricks…
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!