My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
How it started: How it’s going:
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.