me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
For those that worship cheese..
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse