Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”