Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.