Boy never ceases to amaze me
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
They also CAN sing✌️
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*