Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
*seductively peels off lederhosen
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere