Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…