The internet is full of many things
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Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
incredible book dedication
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Sooo many times…..
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name