Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t