October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I have so many questions.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.