My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
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Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
new year update: losing everything but weight
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy