my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Can’t stop laughing
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
He just like my cat fr
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.