Thank Satan it’s Monday.
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Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Bill is short for Billiam
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Stop sending me this shit.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.