Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.