If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
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[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.