Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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New mindset, who dis?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
black phone good
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!