The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.