The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?