[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
So we got a goldfish…
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes