When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
You Might Also Like
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.