Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter