me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520