Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
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Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids