Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]